The obligatory spring posting of "Poisoning Pigeons in the Park" / Mayan Apocalypse Cord

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Here's another BRILLIANT song from "Unicorn Frolic" artist Greg Landgraf

Mayan Apocalypse Cord

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This is a great video of the old demento classic

Cadejo : Noun - Legendary Central American cow sized Goat - Dogs

I'd never heard of this beast until today, but I needed some figurative way to describe what a bizarre version of surreality I'm living, so searched for mythical bests, found this one.

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From the wiki:

The cadejo (IPA pronunication /ka.�e.xo/) is a character from Belizean, Salvadoran, Nicaraguan,Costa Rican, Honduran, Guatemalan andsouthern Mexican folklore. There is a good, white cadejo and an evil, black cadejo. Both are spirits that appear at night to travellers: the white to protect them from harm during their journey, the black (sometimes an incarnation of the devil), to kill them. They usually appear in the form of a large (up to the size of a cow), shaggy dog with burning red eyes and a goat's hooves, although in some areas they have morebull-like characteristics. According to the stories, many have tried to kill the black cadejo but have failed and perished. Also it is said that if a cadejo is killed, it will smell terrible for several days, and then its body will disappear. Some Guatemalan folklore also tells of a cadejo that guards drunks against anyone who tries to rob or hurt them. When the cadejo is near, it is said to bring about a strong goat-like smell. Most people say never to turn your back to the creature because otherwise you will go crazy.

In popular etymology, the name cadejo is thought to have derived from the Spanish word "cadena", meaning "chain"; the cadejo is at times represented as dragging a chain behind him. There is a fairly large member of the weasel family, the tayra, which in common speech is called a cadejo and is cited as a possible source of the legend.

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See wiki article for the rest
Image from: http://trianacartoon.blogspot.com/2009/07/el-cadejo-version-triana.html

I thought the idea of my "pain" and "condition" being a white and a black dog-goat was very apropos!

On suffering and art: A dispatch from the other side of the looking glass

Its a widely held belief that great suffering creates great art. I had a friend in high school who was brilliant and creative, had every advantage. But this friend wanted to be an artist, and thought that suffering was necessary for it. So this friend's life became the sort of soap opera that you'd see portrayed on a Lifetime movie, or featured in an episode of The Shift

I thought that was bunk then, and I even more so now that not only have I dedicated most of my adult life to helping those who are suffering, but have spent several months feeling like I had plasma burning paths through large parts of my body.

Here is what I have observed however: While I've lost a great deal of my cognitive abilities and faculties, my creativity has stayed with me, and often provides the only real relief from the onslaught.

I can't speak for any other creative person who is similarly suffering, but for my part, pain has not made me more creative, it has merely taken away my ability to do much else.

Every day I go for a nature walk with Tess (which is a wonderful thing, no small miracle, and the answer to years of prayers) and take pictures or video. The only extent to which pain impairs this is that since I'm often dizzy from it, I can't bend or lie down easily or safely, nor go scrambling around creek banks or rocky outcroppings to get just the right point of view for my photo.

I have taken GIGABYTES of photos and hours of video while this has been going on. The photo in this blog is just one of over a dozen I took this morning of chestnut buds along one of our creeks, and I've been documenting the bud's progress since they first appeared. The place is a very special one for me and Tess... its where a little creek joins a larger one. We spend a lot of time together there.

I rarely have the presence of mind to organize these pix & vid , much less post them... that's more analytical than creative... that has been significantly compromised.

For me, pain has been like an acid bath... its burned away anything not vital or essential. A group I don't necessarily endorse has collected a wide array of sacred texts which speak to this.

For myself, this text from the first chapter of my namesake's first epistle often comes to mind:

³Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who according to His great mercy has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead,

⁴to obtain an inheritance which is imperishable and undefiled and will not fade away, reserved in heaven for you,

⁵who are protected by the power of God through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time.

⁶In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials,

⁷so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ;

⁸and though you have not seen Him, you love Him, and though you do not see Him now, but believe in Him, you greatly rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory,

⁹obtaining as the outcome of your faith the salvation of your souls. (NASB)

I think of this passage so much because most of the ways I experience the pain is that of some sort of fire... be it plasma, lava, matter and antimatter combining, etc.

Among my close circle of dear hearts who have been such tireless supporters, constantly being the mirrors by which I am bathed in the light of God's love, we more often remark on these texts:

1Co 10: 13 No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, andhe will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.(ESV)

2Co 12:7 So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations,a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. 9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. Forwhen I am weak, then I am strong.(ESV)

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The wry remark made being "Would that God did not esteem me so highly as to count me worthy and able to bear the blessings of such hardship"

One other remark which bears repeating is one I made the other day in a text message.

"When medicines fail, God does not... the house finch still come to feed outside our window."

You'd be astounded how long it took me to compose this post dear friends... but I've had so much on my heart I wanted to speak about, and since at the moment my dizziness is preventing me from doing much else...

I hope I can issue forth a few more dispatches from the other side of the looking glass, and even more, come around online and see and hear how you all are doing. I so wish my ability to type and read were not so severely attenuated!

Having given voice to what my pain is like yesterday, I tho't it important to give you another glimpse of life on the other side of the looking glass.

Time for tea, the cat's ready...

The few details we know, and why I'm still not much online - A diagnosis without etiology, etc.

Nothing is clear in my life these days... not my thoughts, not the cause of my conditions, nor the future course of it.

After...

• Four months
• Hours spent in every known scanning device
• Litres of blood and urine drawn and tested

Here is what we know: Diddly/squat.

OK, we know a little more than that. As my first x-rays at the walk-in clinic back in early November suggested, I do indeed have osteoporosis. VERY severe osteoporosis. So severe that the doctor wrote for the best and most expensive osteoP drug on the market- Forteo- and insurance approved it right away.

We know one other thing: My testosterone levels are significantly higher than normal... so much so that the doctor asked if I'd been shooting up 'roids and testosterone like an MLB home-run king.

Yeh... right... were I taking additional testosterone, I'd look like sasquatch, and sound like a foghorn.

We don't know what caused the osteoporosis.

Nor do we know why I am still in such inexplicable unbelievable pain on a daily basis.

My surgeon has determined that my gamma nail has set properly tho, so he's signed off on my care... we're looking under all stones to find a doctor who will either treat my pain or help find its cause.

So far that's been difficult, which is why you don't see much of me online, and won't until this is addressed.

The pain- more than the pain meds- leaves me in a fog/haze most of the time. I'm often disoriented in regards to space and time... I trip over things not there, run into things... and remember, before all this, my reflexes were so acute that I did all sorts of crazy things balancing on the bongo board.

Along with the pain is usually very severe muscle spasms. They are primarily in the areas of the body most affected by the osteoporosis but not exclusively.

The pain and spasms started before my femur fractured... so either they and the osteoporosis share a common cause, or they're just comorbid.

I just can't words for the pain... but perhaps this will suffice to convey how severe it is... I often find myself wondering if phantom pain could possibly be worse than what I'm experiencing on a daily basis... I wonder if I'd not have done better to have the leg amputated? Consider that... consider what a lover of the outdoors I am, how vigorous and vital I am, that the pain is such that amputation seems like the greener grass.

There are lots of good things happening in life... most especially that Tess and I have spent more time outside together in the last 5 weeks than in the previous 5 years... its an answer to many prayers.

Thanks for the comments and caring and praying... I so wish I were able to be online interacting with you, but interacting with this maelstrom which is working its way through my body takes all I've got... and then some...

The photo is one I took of my reflection in the creek which runs along one side of our property... seemed like a more apropos image than the wheel chair one. I did some FX to it... maybe I'll do a post about them someday...

Living with pain and its limitations AND what I've learned about myself in this

A friend responded to my blast this morning thusly:

"enquire within"
sometimes just being still and asking the body what it's trying to tell one leads to insights about physical ailments...I do not say this flippantly, the best way to health is regular communication with the usually unconscious parts of oneself.
I wish you all the best in finding your way back to a pain-free level.

This is what I've been doing most assidously... because nothing else avails or is available to me.

In the past I thought force of will was enough to conquor anything, so I didn't heed the yellow and red lights my body was giving.

I'm learning to be aware of them (firstly) and actually follow them (secondly.)

I can't assume that I'll be out of pain or provided proper pain medication until one or the other is the case.

I've not really learned anything about pain or life I didn't already know... though I would never have dared tell my wife or anyone else suffering "I know how you feel" as it turns out, I did have a pretty good idea of what it was like to be subjected to torrential pain. I had a pretty good idea of how it reduces the person to a primal / primitive state, and so forth.

I have been watching and observing very carefully what is of my essence, and what isn't. Most every day I've taken pictures, enjoyed watching the birds and the puppies in our backyard, and so forth.

Rejoicing in the blessings of beauty, family, and friends is of my essence, and is present even when in most abject and dire circumstances.

So is being artistic and creative.

Caring about the pain and suffering and needs of others has remained constant as well. Though I could not visit my terminal relative, I employed my artistic skills in such a way as to provide him and my family comfort.

There are several other ways that being a "bleeding heart" towards those in need and suffering has still been present in my life, but they're not mine to speak of... suffice to say that as much of my time and effort even now goes into caring for those whom I love who are spiritually or emotionally needy as into anything, and I'm quite pleased at this.

Beyond that... I can't say what is of essence, and what isn't.

I care about all of you and miss interecting with you, but being present here online is greatly complicated by my constant state of overstimulation by the pain. Its such a level that I often times can't really process ANY stimuli.

I miss you folk, and there's something about doing this which of my essence, so I'm trying to find a way to reengage more, but I am going to be cautious and not make promises.

Before that, I need to find ways to follow through more on my creativity with the rugs, pictures, and video. My soul yearns and burns for more of that even as my body burns in torment.

I'm either out of my mind with pain, or from the pain meds - no news

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I keep waiting for the pain to break or the docs to have a clue as to why its happening... neither is the case. Most of the time I'm either out of my mind with pain or from the meds to control it.

Terminal situation still ongoing... don't know how long this sunset will last. The photo I made with Psa 46 was appreciated, and I'm working on another those rare seconds of the day when I can tell up from down, etc.

Thanks beyond words to all who have been thinking of / praying for me.

If you have another means of contacting me, feel free to... nothing else in all reality could affect or drain me like this pain does and is. So call, write, stop by, sail up the creek... I'm not in a bad mood or bad way, just unable to interact with or engage much reality beyond the pain.

Calling surgeon tomorrow to try to get better pain management, see the endocrinologist Weds to find out if he has any guesses, or if we move on to the next specialist. Still think I'll wind up seeing every one EXCEPT ob/gyn... pretty safe on that not being an issue!

Have taken some brilliant pix, had some great times with Tess and friends... but my moments of lucidity and functionality are few and fleeting.

The photo is subtle wry humor at my condition of life... click on this link to read about it and you'll understand.

A dear person to me is imminently terminal

I've alluded to this a bit previously.

I still don't think I should be going into the details in public, but yes, a very dear person to me was just given a confirmed diagnosis which means this person will die. It could be very soon or "just" soon.

What makes it especially hard for me to both cope with and talk about is that there are some deep level connections / resonances between this and something which happened to/with me when I was in the hospital, something I've still not figured out how to talk about.

So... thought I should at least make it clear that there is imminent loss in my life.
We're frantically trying to work the logistics of my many tests and scans and doctor's appointments such that when the imminent becomes actual I will be able to go to the funeral.

If you know me from real life, odds are you know this person. If you don't, its certain you don't.

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About this poignant picture

Given the circumstances, I had to go with something true to my deepest artistic sensibilities. The picture is from the Wiki commons-

Jheronimus Bosch 4 last things (death).jpg