Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Living with pain and its limitations AND what I've learned about myself in this

A friend responded to my blast this morning thusly:

"enquire within"
sometimes just being still and asking the body what it's trying to tell one leads to insights about physical ailments...I do not say this flippantly, the best way to health is regular communication with the usually unconscious parts of oneself.
I wish you all the best in finding your way back to a pain-free level
This is what I've been doing most assidously... because nothing else avails or is available to me.
In the past I thought force of will was enough to conquor anything, so I didn't heed the yellow and red lights my body was giving.
I'm learning to be aware of them (firstly) and actually follow them (secondly.)
I can't assume that I'll be out of pain or provided proper pain medication until one or the other is the case.
I've not really learned anything about pain or life I didn't already know... though I would never have dared tell my wife or anyone else suffering "I know how you feel" as it turns out, I did have a pretty good idea of what it was like to be subjected to torrential pain. I had a pretty good idea of how it reduces the person to a primal / primitive state, and so forth.
I have been watching and observing very carefully what is of my essence, and what isn't. Most every day I've taken pictures, enjoyed watching the birds and the puppies in our backyard, and so forth.
Rejoicing in the blessings of beauty, family, and friends is of my essence, and is present even when in most abject and dire circumstances.
So is being artistic and creative.
Caring about the pain and suffering and needs of others has remained constant as well. Though I could not visit my terminal relative, I employed my artistic skills in such a way as to provide him and my family comfort.
There are several other ways that being a "bleeding heart" towards those in need and suffering has still been present in my life, but they're not mine to speak of... suffice to say that as much of my time and effort even now goes into caring for those whom I love who are spiritually or emotionally needy as into anything, and I'm quite pleased at this.
Beyond that... I can't say what is of essence, and what isn't.
I care about all of you and miss interecting with you, but being present here online is greatly complicated by my constant state of overstimulation by the pain. Its such a level that I often times can't really process ANY stimuli.
I miss you folk, and there's something about doing this which of my essence, so I'm trying to find a way to reengage more, but I am going to be cautious and not make promises.
Before that, I need to find ways to follow through more on my creativity with the rugs, pictures, and video. My soul yearns and burns for more of that even as my body burns in torment.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

I'm either out of my mind with pain, or from the pain meds - no news

I keep waiting for the pain to break or the docs to have a clue as to why its happening... neither is the case. Most of the time I'm either out of my mind with pain or from the meds to control it.

Terminal situation still ongoing... don't know how long this sunset will last. The photo I made with Psa 46 was appreciated, and I'm working on another those rare seconds of the day when I can tell up from down, etc.

Thanks beyond words to all who have been thinking of / praying for me.

If you have another means of contacting me, feel free to... nothing else in all reality could affect or drain me like this pain does and is. So call, write, stop by, sail up the creek... I'm not in a bad mood or bad way, just unable to interact with or engage much reality beyond the pain.

Calling surgeon tomorrow to try to get better pain management, see the endocrinologist Weds to find out if he has any guesses, or if we move on to the next specialist. Still think I'll wind up seeing every one EXCEPT ob/gyn... pretty safe on that not being an issue!

Have taken some brilliant pix, had some great times with Tess and friends... but my moments of lucidity and functionality are few and fleeting.

The photo is subtle wry humor at my condition of life... click on this link to read about it and you'll understand.

Questions, comments?

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